I have come to enjoy this

For all the time I was married to STBJM, she had to be in control of everything around her, and now she doesn't. I now have more control over her and the things she can do, and let me tell you it is great. If I wanted to be real mean, I could force her to have to sell that house she so proudly bought with my money, or I could be nice let keep it. She thought back in September when I said fine I'll give you your separation, that I was just going to lay down and let her walk right over me and take all of it. Well as time when on and I started to find the person I had given up for her, I started to see the real picture here. I am the one in control of everything now and she will have to live with it until boys both turn 18.

When this all started that first I real hope to work through this and maybe we would be able to get back together, but now after all of her lies and two-faced games she has been playing, I will "never ever" want her back. I was over the house with the boys the other day and she had a picture of the 4 of us, and in the picture she had her hair cut real short like she would trying to make me mad because I liked it better when it was long. But I looked at the picture and could believe how bad(ugly) she looked, I'm just sorry that her self-esteem is so low that her true friends couldn't tell her how bad she looked. And you know the funniest part is that Tippytornado thinks that the pictures of her with the short hair are me because she looks like a guy.

You know I'm so happy that at this time next year I will be free of her, and if she continues trying to play games, then I won't have to play nice.

Everybody is surprised

It seems the everybody is surprised about my feeling toward my relationship with STBJM. I don't understand why, apparently the relationship and good times didn't mean anything to STBJM to keep her from trying to ruin it. Those good times didn't keep her from choosing to push me away or to go and by a house in just her name that need both of our incomes to afford it. Or for her to do as we agreed last December, to give each other a clean slate for all thing done in the past, and not hold it against the other in the future.

So I'm not sorry if I feel this way because all I remember is all the times she wanted to fight when nothing was wrong, or going over one of our friends houses and being uncomfortable and have to walk on egg shells, or her picking fights in front of them because that's what she felt she had to do.

And yes I regret putting the effort into to the relationship the I did. Maybe the reason she is having such a hard time finding the sunshine, might be God teller her that she was the one who ruin this relationship and is more of the bad guy than I am, and that she should start to take that real deep look inside to see who she really is.

You know maybe if she gave the relationship a chance to repair itself when we agreed to separate, she might have been able to see some rays of light right now.

It has been some time since I last wrote

I said I was done and that I would write no more, but I have had some time to work through things going on. I have had a lot to think about and to look back at. I have had to look deep in to who I am and what I found wasn't so hard to believe. What I found was that for the last 12 years of my marriage I have been giving up bits and pieces of myself to make STBJM happy. She says the over the last 12 years that she has grown up and that I haven't. She also said we have nothing in common with each other. Will just for her knowledge we never really had much in common. Isn't that the way most relationships start out. You meet somebody, you say "hey I thing like this person", so you ask them to go out on a date, you learn more about them and if you still like who they are you continue going out, and some where along the road you ask them to marry you. Even after you're married you still continue to learn about this person, because nobody ever stays the same. With every day that goes by something happens to change that person whether its big or small, it changes them. So as a married couple you continue to change and have to continue to work at the relationship. But in her case she choose to hold everything that ever happened in the relationship against me, and by doing so she basically never gave me or the relationship a chance. Because she choose to holding everything against me, she never gave herself a chance to see me grow, she was always to busy looking for the next shoe to drop as she would say, meaning she was always looking for something to be wrong or for me to do something wrong, never giving the marriage a chance to grow.

Last year I took the biggest risk/chance in my life. I start going to school for plumbing and steamfitting, something I never did before. It was a long process to go through to get in to this school, you had to fill out an application (which was reviewed), if your application was good then you got invited to take this math test (they send you a sample of what the test is going to look like), I hadn't done same of the math on this test in 16 to 18 years, I studied every minute I had a chance, I ended up getting a 94, well based on the score you got would determine whether or not you get called for an interview and I did, in the interview they asked all kinds of questions (and let me tell you it wasn't like no interview you would have if applying to a company or business), so I did go in the interview and got an offer to join the schools program and I did. While waiting to start school I started to have some doubts about what I was doing. I have ADD and take medication for it, and I was feeling like it was working right for me anymore, so I went and saw the doctor. While I was talking to him about how I felt and why I felt the medication wasn't working, I started to realize that there were other problems bothering me.

Well while I was going through these realizations about myself and knowing how much STBJM had trouble figuring me out, I tried to tell her about she didn't care, she couldn't and wouldn't take the time to try an understand how something that happened between me and my father could be such a problem, and why I couldn't just drop it and move on, because thats what she did with the problem she had with her father. (Just a quick back round on that is her father would tell her she was fat and looked like a cow, and that nobody would ever love her looking like that),(well I had and I spent every minute telling her that she was beautiful, and I brought her stuff that made her look drop dead sexy, and told her that),(and she says that she is over it, well she isn't really, you see if she was she wouldn't need to be told every day that she is beautiful and smart, and can do whatever she wants). I couldn't just drop the problem because it had been running my life for as long as I can remember, and at times it made my life a living hell to be in. So at one of the biggest times in my life the person I needed the most turned her back on me. Durning this time we dicided to buy a new house, and when trying to get a bridge loan so we could buy the house we wanted while waiting for ours to sell, we would have the money for 2 mortgages. The bank said no to the loan and we had to let go of the house we wanted, and in tipicle STBJM style she blew up and blaimed everything on me(some was my falut, some was my credit card companies falut and some was hers). She said she was going to get a new house herself and didn't care what I did. Again she turned her back on me instead of trying to work through things, and with what I was already going through I was falling apart and lossing control of what I need to do to get better so I would make it through school for the next 5 years. So I choose to move out so I could focuse on getting myself better, and I did, but because STBJM choose not to be there for me, she missed to biggest growing in my life. And because of that she has no clue who I am.

Because she choose to quit and stop working on our relationship and to quit on her family. She has to tell everybody she knows that I have gone off the deep end, when she fully knows what I'm going through are the steps of griving and loss, just so she can fell better about who she is.

So what I found looking deep inside me is that I'm better without her, and that I'm sad and sorry I wasted my time and energy on our relationship, and that I wish I had ended it 15 years ago.

This will be my last blog.


Well I started this in hopes this might be away I could save my marriage. But as you may know if you read soontobejustme, I asked her a question with no ill will, and she got all freaked out, and took off running to PA. Today (10-7) was to be our 13 annversery and with us separated, this weekend with the boy was going to be my way to get through it. Now I have no one here for me, she has been trying to broke my will to fight for my marriage. She has won, she has broke my spirit, I quit, she can have her divorce. I can't fight to save it anymore, she has taken the last of my will. She knows I would never ever ever do anything to hurt her or the boys. They are my world.

I sit here now crying, having gone to bed this morning at 9:00 AM to wake at 10:30 AM. I can bearly think straight to type. Wish it would all end right now, I don't wont to be here anymore. And for those who don't know me and are thinking he going to kill him myself. I can't, couldn't, and wont. You see the man I hate for the last 25 years, his mother killed herself when he was 9 months old, and because of that I never got to know my Grandmother. Also 9 days after soontobejustme and I started dating 15 years ago, on October 16, her best friend, her childhood friend, shot himself in the head. And because I have a deep love and respect for them, my boys and my mother, I can't, couldn't, and wouldn't do that. But if something was to happen (someone shot me, I got hit by a car) I wouldn't fight to live, I would follow that white light to a place I could be in peace.

So don't worry about me I'll do just fine. And for those who know me from being friends the STBJM, I really do understand if our friendship has to end, I don't want to have to put you in a place of having to make a choice sould we or souldn't we invite him over with her going to be there. I do understand that sometimes we can't have our cake and eat it too.

STBJM was really surpised by how much I wrote in the first blog, that just show how much she really knew me and maybe why it was always so hard to talk to her when I needed too. Maybe she will see this marriage falling apart maybe wasn't just about me.

I will love her to the day I die, and she will always have the biggest part of my heart.

And as they say "Good Night Everybody" "Eyore has left the house"

This is Eyore as named in blogs done by soontobejustme. I'm not a bad man. I'm not trying to play head games with her. My family is my world. In February of 1998, we moved to Maryland, leaving our families in PA. I came in support of her and her career. Yes, I wanted to have kids with her and to be a family. All I have wanted to do is make her happy. I know I didn't do that. I'm not going to say I'm the best husband, I have my problems. For years I have alway beaten myself up over werther or not I can do something. As a child my father and I didn't get along. I have a brother with an IQ some where in the 170's. I was a child with ADD (when nothing was known about it) and my father thought I was stupid and wasn't trying. I just couldn't do it, and so for listening to him tell me I was shit and no good, I carried his voice around in my head.

Well last year around this time we were trying to by a new house. I had just started school with the Plumbers and Steamfitters Union, and as school was starting I realized I was having problems with my ADD and the thoughts of going back to school. All I could here was my fathers voice in my head telling me, what areyou thinking you're not going to be able to do this. I knew I needed to do something about it. I went and got my meds changed I talked to the doctor, while this was happening I started to have somethings come in to focus. When I tried to tell soontobejustme (STBJM) she didn't want to listen, because she left I should just get over it and move on. Because she didn't want to listen she couldn't understand how the could have been so damaging to me. So as I always do, I closed myself off and tried to deal with it myself, and when she want to talk about us and our troubles. I could because she really didn't want to hear what I need to say. So as time and time again I didn't say anything, which made it worse.

And as she has said of times in the past, things got farther apart, and if she isn't in control of all things going on around her she's not happy. So with time going on and us looking for a new house, we found one we liked, so we put a bid in on it. But we said we can't close until our house sells, and they didn;t like that and wanted to close right away. So we tried to get a bridge loan they said we couldn't get because there was a note on my credit report that say I had been late. She got so pissed off she told me to get out and that she would get a house on her own. I could figure out how there could have been late report, I had everything paid to date. I told her that she didn't care, what I said because again she didn't have the control, the bank did. What I had found out was that when my son (Karateboy) left my van door open all night and my breifcase with my checkbook in it was stolen, and I had to freeze my bank accounts and wait to make sure nobody wrote any checks. Then I could take the money out of it and open a new one. I had called my creditcard companies and told them what had happen and they said it would be okay and would put a hold the accounts and freez the payments, well they didn't. She says its my fault because I didn't check to make sure he closed the door. What she didn't realize was that I had to carry in asleeping baby (Tippytornado) in the up to the bed and put him in bed, and the Karateboy can open and close the van door when he wants to play in there, why would I have to think and check to see if he closed the door after being told to do so.

I just got a call from STBJM, telling me that their not at home and that they went away for the weekend. The weekend this was to be my weekend with the boy as per the separation. And as you may have read in her blog, because of a question I asked her, she took off to PA, because she thinks I'm going to do something to hurt her and the boys, I have never hit her in the 15 years we have been together. I wouldn't do it now, especially if I'm trying to change ways of how I treated her and her needs. I am so upset, pissed off, hurt, and angry with her, that trying to think of what to write has my ADD brain about to explode from the pain of thinking. I will post more tomorrow, now that i'm not going to get to see my boys. You know I have never really hated her for thing she has done, but this one I REALLY HATE her for. Those boys are my world and I only get to see them two days a week and every other weekend. I think I'm the one she is trying to kill.

I know I brought most of this on myself by what I did, and I'm not asking for anyones pitty. I just want a chance to do whats right.